Project Phoenix
by NormandyStarlight
Summary: A fShenko mirror-verse fic in which Kaidan replaces Garrus as Archangel. But how did he get there? And what are things like on the SR2 for him and Commander Lyla Shepard? Gorgeous cover art is by Sathynae on DA.
1. Chapter 1

Project Phoenix – Chapter 1

 **A/N: I'm really excited to be posting the first chapter of this fic - and about everything that's coming as well! I hope you enjoy this mirror verse fic with Kaidan as Archangel. I have to admit, during the first time I played ME2, I was hoping (hopelessly, mind you) that Kaidan would be Archangel. When VorchaGirl mentioned having a dream about it, I couldn't get the ideas out of my head (and she said to please go ahead and write it!). Anyways - Enjoy!**

* * *

The delightfully dissonant music of Igor Stravinsky's _The Firebird_ softly filled the captain's quarters as Commander Lyla Shepard reluctantly read over the dossiers the Illusive Man gave her for potential recruits.

 _Master Thief. Mercenary. Convict?_ "Seriously?" Lyla sighed as she pulled her long, thick, flaxen hair out of its bun. _It's so nice to let my hair down when I'm not fighting…I guess that's one nice thing about working with Cerberus. Though, it might be the only nice thing._ She played with her hair with one hand while scrolling the data pad with the other. _Doctor. Vigilante. That's more like it._ She stretched her legs outward as she sat at the edge of the bed and pointed her toes. She moved them along with the ballet, her feet dancing lightly in the air.

Something about the vigilante caught her attention. _Street name: Archangel. Human. Likely biotic. Sniper. Very resourceful. Has caused trouble for mercenary groups on Omega, Illium, and The Citadel. Current location: Omega._ Lyla recoiled her legs the air and crossed them around each other.

 _Omega. That sounds like the best place to start. I can pick up the doctor that the Illusive Man prioritized, this vigilante Archangel, and the mercenary Zaeed all at the same time._

She tossed the data pad aside and laid supine on the bed. Reading about a biotic human reminded her about the man she cared about more than any other. _Kaidan. I have to find Kaidan._ She let out a heavy sigh. _But I need a squad, and I'm not sure I trust Jacob or Miranda. Damn it._ As much as she wanted to drop everything to find Kaidan, she knew that she shouldn't. _We're fairly close to Omega now. I'll head to the Citadel to talk to Anderson as soon as I'm done there._

The thought that Kaidan believed she was dead chilled her to her core. _Did he move on already?_ She swallowed the lump in her throat, hoping she wouldn't find him with some other woman.

"Hey Commander, did you decide where we're going yet?" The thankfully familiar sound of Joker's voice filled her cabin and jolted her out of the possibilities she had begun to drown in.

"Set course for Omega," she ordered plainly.

* * *

When Shepard heard Archangel had three different mercenary groups out for his blood, she decided that getting the doctor could wait. Lyla, along with Jacob and Zaeed, had infiltrated the mercenary groups hunting down the vigilante. They pushed through the first wave of freelancers, killing Archangel's attackers as a show of good faith that they weren't here to harm him. Other freelancers fell victim to the vigilante's rifle as they ran; it was almost as if Archangel was paving a path for them. Shepard and her squad were able to get to the other side of the compound relatively quickly. Lyla's tall, athletic figure scaled the stairs with ease, each step graceful and elegant. She swiftly crossed the balcony to where Archangel was standing, his back to her. His masculine form was enveloped in a blue aura accompanied by the low hum of biotics. It was all too familiar. His shape, the biotic barrier, the sound – it reminded her too much of Kaidan.

Slowly, Archangel turned and lifted his helmet.

 _Oh my God. It's him._

"Lyla," Kaidan's husky voice breathed her name, and without hesitation, she holstered her weapon, threw her arms around his neck, and pulled her body against his. Their armor clattered as Kaidan returned her embrace, squeezing ever so slightly.

Shepard pulled back slightly to gaze upon his rugged face, which was worn and dark with stubble. Her amethyst eyes met his glossy amber ones; he looked as though he was about to cry. She placed a gloved hand to his cheek. "I missed you so much, Kaidan."

"Not as much as I missed you," he whispered, planting a kiss on her cheek. "But we'll talk about that after we're out of this mess." Kaidan released his hold on Shepard. "Another wave will be here soon," he stated as he pulled his helmet back over his head.

Shepard readied her assault rifle, aiming over the ledge to where the next group would come from. She ordered Zaeed to watch the back side of the walkway and Jacob the door behind them. A loud crashing sound came from the floor beneath them just as the next wave started its approach.

"That can't be good," Lyla remarked.

Kaidan sniped the head clear off an approaching Eclipse mech. "Sounds like they're finally getting smart…someone is going to need to seal the doors down there or we'll be screwed."

"Zaeed, Jacob, get to it." Shepard ordered.

"Yes m'am!" Jacob shouted, taking point as the pair quickly ran back downstairs.

Lyla's lips tugged upwards as she prepared her weapons. "I guess it's just you and me."

"Yeah…" Kaidan's voice tailed off as the garage door across the bridge opened, revealing a YMIR mech, heading their way. "Shit," the biotic cursed as he readied his overload, but Lyla stopped him.

"Wait – that problem will take care of itself." She smirked, grateful that they had taken the time to snoop around the Eclipse's camp and sabotage the mech's friend-or-foe system. The large machine fired on the smaller robots and mercenaries approaching them, leaving little work for Kaidan and Shepard to do during this wave.

Once the Eclipse wave was a pile of broken machines and dead bodies, Lyla took a moment to check in with Jacob and Zaeed. The two men had one door left to go.

"We've got Bloodpack incoming." Kaidan notified her. The Bloodpack mercenaries were comprised of vorcha and krogan. Both species could regenerate their health and were quick on their feet, which meant trouble. The Bloodpack were too fast for Shepard and Kaidan to take out before their position would be compromised, and were already headed under the walkway.

"I'll meet them at the back stairs. I like things up in person better anyways." Lyla glided to the back stairwell and found 3 vorcha, followed by a Krogan, climbing up them. She groaned as she let her gift from Cerberus whirl down the stairs, making them fly in the air.

Lyla could hear Kaidan shout over the sounds of battle. "Was that a shockwave?"

"Sure was!" she shouted back at him. "Cerberus decided to give me biotics, apparently." Lyla didn't need to hear Kaidan to know that his reaction was somewhere between a chuckle and a sigh. She knew he was intrigued, possibly even amused, with her new powers, but simultaneously worried how much they changed her – as was she.

Lyla sent a carnage flying at the krogan, stunning him long enough to finish the vorcha off with her shotgun. As the krogan stood, Shepard incinerated his armor – evidently pissing him off, because he began to charge at her. She responded by following suit and recklessly biotically charged the Bloodpack mercenary. It was a new and exhilarating feeling for Lyla; time seemed to slow while she flew at her opponent enveloped in biotic energy. She crashed into him, knocked him to the ground again, and finished him off with a shotgun blast to the head. She stopped for a second to catch her breath, feeling dizzy from the unfamiliar rush of biotic energy.

Kaidan's gruff voice shouted in warning. "More krogan on the way! I count four – including Garm!"

 _Shit._ Lyla knew her new biotic abilities would need time to charge, so she withdrew back up the steps and switched her shotgun out for her assault rifle. Shepard began to fire at the krogan who took point; the disparaging sound of the shots being absorbed by his armor added a sense of urgency to Shepard's fighting. "Zaeed, Jacob! Get your asses back in here! We need backup!"

Thankfully, her incinerate finally recharged. Shepard hit the closest krogan to her with it and followed it up with a shower from her assault rifle. This time, the bullets penetrated the krogan's armor, and it struggled under her unrelenting fire. As he collapsed the next came charging at her, springing over his fallen comrade and flying towards Shepard ready for revenge. _Fuck._

Suddenly, the raging krogan was lifted into the air, enveloped in a familiar blue hue. "I've got you, Shepard!" She heard Jacob shout from behind. Zaeed's concussive shot punctuated Jacob's call and sent the vulnerably suspended mercenary flying.

Kaidan's husky voice could barely be heard over the action. "We're clear on the other side for now!" Archangel shouted as he appeared at the balcony, and threw biotic energy at Garm's only remaining squad member. The krogan's back slammed into the wall. Garm growled and charged ahead, straight into Jacob and Zaeed. The livid Bloodpack leader steamrolled them as he made a beeline towards Archangel. _He'll have to get past me, first._ Lyla thought. She drew her shotgun and broke Garm's charge with a carnage.

Kaidan biotically lifted the krogan boss from the ground while he was stunned from the carnage. A blast of orange mingled with the blue biotics as Shepard incinerated his armor. The loud, low crack of her shotgun going off erupted in Lyla's ear as she fired at the vulnerable krogan. A tiny red dot appeared on Garm's head plate, and was quickly replaced with a bullet from Kaidan's sniper rifle. The blue hue of biotics faded away and Garm crashed to the floor. His body didn't move. There was no rise or fall in his chest, nor a grumble as there had been before. _He's dead._ Relieved, Lyla turned to see Zaeed and Jacob approaching her, finished with the only other remaining krogan.

"Thanks," Kaidan said as he ejected the thermal clip from his sniper rifle. "Garm regenerated faster than any other krogan I've seen. It's a good thing you all were here to help me."

Zaeed's gruff voice was the first to respond. "Seems like you handled things pretty well, kid, Shepard, too."

A smile peeked through the visor of Kaidan's helmet. "Thanks, Massani. I never imagined having you at my back." Lyla was surprised Kaidan knew who Zaeed was. _What has he been up to these past 2 years?_

"If I know Tarak as well as I think I do, he'll be around any minute now." Zaeed continued. "Would you prefer to stay and fight them here, or should we push our way through?"

Before either Shepard or Kaidan could answer, a gunship appeared level with them and began to fire. Time seemed to slow as a rocket flew towards Kaidan. Shepard ran to push him out of its way, completely unaware that she was charging biotically. With a loud crack, her body collided with his and knocked him to the ground. _Why isn't he moving?_ The blue aura emanating from Kaidan's frozen body and her shaking hands revealed what she had done. _Oh no. No no no._ Lyla barked orders at Zaeed and Jacob to deal with the gunship as she removed Kaidan's gauntlet and checked for a pulse. His smooth tan wrist pulsed gently on her finger tips. _Thank god._ She administered some medigel to make sure he was stable. _Damn that gunship and its pilot._ Lyla's blood boiled as she stood with vengeful resolve and armed her grenade launcher. She focused completely on taking it out. Vague, muffled tones of Zaeed and Jacob's voices called to her, but she did not recognize or respond to them. With determination Lyla alternated between hurling incineration blasts and grenades at the gunship. Finally, electricity crackled all over the ship and the stench and blackness of smoked filled the air. The broken vessel plummeted and rattled the ground beneath. Lyla's knees met the floor in time with the crash. Her hands began to shake as she moved them in a nervous yet categorical manner to check Kaidan's life signs again. The thought that he could have died while she was taking out the gunship left a sickening pain in her stomach. Her clammy hand finally found a faint pulse on Kaidan's cold wrist. A mixture of hope and slight relief joined the grief and terror in her gut as Lyla called Joker for an emergency shuttle extraction.

 _Please be alright, Kaidan…I'll never forgive myself if you're not.  
_

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 **A/N: Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

Project Phoenix - Chapter 2

 **NSFW - for smut (yes already!)**

* * *

The mess was silent aside from the sound of Shepard's boots clicking against the floor as she paced just outside the med bay. There were plenty of crew members around, but they didn't dare to make a sound. Some had been laughing earlier and were given a vehement stare from Lyla; her negative attitude permeated the room. Lyla's amethyst eyes fixated on the interior of the sick bay, flitting between Doctor Karin Chakwas, Kaidan's unconscious form, and his monitors. Finally, Doctor Chakwas looked out the window and gestured for Shepard to come in. The entire mess hall let out soft sigh as Lyla entered the med bay.

"Yes, Doctor?" Lyla asked before the door had even finished closing behind her.

Doctor Chakwas smiled, "Kaidan is going to be fine, Shepard. He should wake up soon." The doctor lightly patted Lyla on the back and led her over to Kaidan's bed. "He suffered a mild concussion due to the hit he took from you, and I think he'll need a bit of time before going into battle, but things would certainly have been much worse if that rocket hit him instead of you."

Shepard's entire being softened - from her shoulders, to her face, to her hands - as she grinned and thanked the doctor. She moved to Kaidan's bedside and took his hand. Karin nodded her head and turned to her computer to update Alenko's medical records. Shepard traced circles on the unconscious biotic's rough, tanned skin. _Wake up soon, Kaidan._ Lyla thought as she touched a bruise on his face lightly. It was already beginning to fade due to the top-notch meds Cerberus had provided. Shepard noted how miraculous it was that Kaidan's face wasn't scarred from their collision.

The sharp hiss of the door sliding open met Shepard's ears, but she didn't bother to turn to see who was approaching. She hoped whoever it was came in to see the doctor, but was disappointed when the Australian accented voice called her name.

"Shepard, the Illusive Man wishes to speak with you. He's waiting for you to connect to him in the comm room right now." Miranda stated simply.

Lyla responded to Miranda without taking her eyes off Kaidan. "He'll have to wait," she muttered.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Miranda moved to the other side of Kaidan's bed, forcing Shepard to face her. The Cerberus officer put a hand on her cocked hip. "He seemed rather intent on speaking with you immediately. I wouldn't keep him waiting."

Lyla sighed, exasperated. _I just want to sit here with him for a few minutes. A few minutes…is that too much to ask?_ Shepard ran her finger tips through Kaidan's coarse dark hair. "I'll be back soon, ok?" She sweetly pressed her lips to his forehead and stroked his cheek one more time as she stood and turned her back on Miranda. Lyla rolled her eyes as she headed towards the door.

* * *

The Illusive Man's hologram took a drag of his cigarette. "Don't you find it odd that Alenko didn't hesitate when he saw you? That two years after you died, he didn't question that it was really you?"

Lyla was taken aback by The Illusive Man's questions. _He's right, you know._ She swallowed the lump that had suddenly appeared in her throat, but before she could respond, the translucent man spoke again.

"He knows something, Shepard," he accused as he tapped the butt off his cigarette. "Perhaps it would be better if Kaidan Alenko didn't join you on this mission."

This time Shepard didn't hesitate in her response. "Better for whom? Me - or you?" she glared into middle-aged man's hologram. The Illusive Man's turn to struggled to reply, so Shepard continued. "That's what I thought. Kaidan is staying."

"It is your operation, Shepard," the Illusive Man's hologram disappeared as he concluded the debriefing.

Lyla balled her hands into fists. "What a waste of time," she muttered. Shepard pivoted on her heel and stormed out of the communications room, her head down as she composed herself. A familiar chest loomed before her, though it was donned in an incorrect black and white uniform. Lyla tilted her head back up and smiled, releasing the anger from her hands. "Kaidan," she breathed, relieved.

"Hey there," Archangel's husky voice replied. "Miranda told me I might find you here…"

A whirl of guilt flooded Lyla's heart. "I'm sorry," she stated sincerely, interrupting him and getting the weight off her chest. "For not being there when you woke up, for knocking you unconscious in the first place. I'm…"

"Shh," Kaidan placed a finger over her lips. "It's ok, Shepard." The warmth of his single calloused digit caused her heart to flutter and a shiver down her spine. One side of Kaidan's mouth curled up. "Now, is there someplace we can speak…privately?" Kaidan's raspy voice ignited a spark of desire inside Lyla.

"Actually," Shepard started as she pried Kaidan's finger from her mouth, intertwining her fingers with his. "I have my own cabin. It's even on its own floor now." She grinned with a hint of devious excitement.

Kaidan's smirk grew wider. "After you," he gestured to the side of the hall. Lyla nodded and led him through the armory. Jacob was there maintaining weapons, and didn't miss his CO's entrance. He looked up from his work to see if Shepard needed anything and she took the moment to briefly, properly, introduce Kaidan to Jacob. The two men shook hands cordially, but both of their eyes were oddly full of suspicion. Shepard dismissed Jacob back to his work, and Kaidan followed her out of the armory.

All eyes locked on the pair as they made the short trip through the CIC to the elevator, but neither Shepard nor Kaidan bothered to acknowledge them. Kaidan wrapped his hand around Lyla's the moment the metal doors slid closed behind them. The two grinned coyly, their shining eyes meeting each other's gaze as silence and tension filled the elevator. Kaidan chuckled as a feeling of electricity from Lyla's untrained biotics sent a prickle across his skin. The two exited the elevator, took the three steps between it and Shepard's cabin, and the door opened automatically, ushering them in.

"Shepard," Kaidan began to speak once they were inside, but was immediately silenced by Lyla's mouth pressed against his. Hungrily, her tongue swiftly swirled around his, and then she withdrew from the indulgent kiss as quickly as she had entered it.

Her bright red lips moved to Kaidan's ear before whispering as softly as possible "not here." She smirked and bit his earlobe before continuing. "We can't talk freely anywhere on this ship – not with that AI listening and feeding information to Cerberus." Lyla's teeth grazed Kaidan's tanned neck and placed a kiss against his pulse point.

Kaidan buried his nose in Shepard's thick, soft hair, breathing in her scent of vanilla and lavender. "Or," he whispered back, giving her the same treatment she had to him, "we could just keep this up."

Lyla bit her lip and giggled as Kaidan gently nibbled on her neck. She tiled her head back and rolled her eyes to the ceiling, giving him more room to move his mouth along her slightly tanned column. Kaidan wrapped his arms tightly around her waist and hoisted her up, moving his mouth to hers. Red lipstick stained his plump lips as he kissed her ardently, carrying her to the bed. He gently laid her down on her back and moved his arms out from under her, pinning her slender athletic figure between his arms. "There's so much we need to talk about." Kaidan whispered into Lyla's ear as he lowered his body to hers, his arousal brushing between her legs. "But, if you would rather, we can discuss it later."

Lyla responded by pressing her mouth to his and digging her fingers into his coarse curled locks, pulling herself as close to him as possible. "Fuck, Kaidan, I missed you so much," she breathed. "That Cerberus uniform…just looks so wrong on you…" her coy voice trailed off as she bit her red-stained lip.

Without missing a beat, Kaidan sat up, still straddling her, and removed the top of the black and white uniform without hesitation. "Better?" he eyed her hungrily.

Lyla's wicked crimson lips turned upwards. "Almost," she breathed as she reached her long, toned arms to his pants. Kaidan covered her hands with his as she undid the fastenings. He then lifted his body slightly and removed his pants, his arousal no longer burdened by clothes.

Kaidan looked down at Shepard's still fully-dressed figure and chuckled. "You know, you've got me at a disadvantage here." His gaze scanned her curves and met back with her amethyst eyes.

"How so, Archangel?" Lyla grinned devilishly.

Kaidan nodded. "We've solved the uniform problem for me, but you…" he factiously cringed, "not so much."

"Well," Shepard teased, propping herself up on her arms, still trapped beneath Kaidan's heated tan body, "why don't you do something about it?"

Immediately, Kaidan's hands moved to Lyla's waistband and swiftly untucked her shirt, carelessly peeling it off her body and over her head. Lyla's violet eyes never left Kaidan's strong hands as he slid them down her torso, across her waistband and to the fastening of her pants. He made quick work of the buttons and zippers, and then tugged at the fabric, moving it over Shepard's slender hips. She raised them slightly to aid him, and once her pants reached her ankles, kicked the clothing off. She was still wearing her black bra and underwear. Kaidan gulped at the sight of her muscular, slim body. It had been so long since he was with her, and he couldn't wait another moment. He quickly removed her panties, not bothering with the bra, and began to tease Shepard's center with his cock. "You're so wet," he whispered. It was then that he remembered the first thing Lyla said when they entered the cabin: _We can't talk freely anywhere on this ship – not with that AI listening and feeding information to Cerberus._

He hesitated, and Shepard noticed. She never missed anything when it came to Kaidan. "Something wrong?" she asked, suddenly concerned.

"The AI…" Kaidan's husky voice trailed off.

Lyla frowned for a second, rolled her eyes, and smirked devilishly. "You think I care if EDI forwards information about my sex life to the Illusive Man? The only thing that will tell him is that my morale is high." She let out a slight chuckle as she reached behind her back, undid her bra's clasp, and removed it from her chest. Lyla flung the undergarment aside, allowing her breasts to spill out freely. "Now…where were we?" Shepard grinned, a fire in her regal purple eyes.

Kaidan's gaze slid down from Lyla's shimmering eyes to her now bare chest. The sight renewed his spirit, as well as the vigor in his arousal. He leered at her with whisky eyes and placed the tip of his hardened member at her entrance with one calloused hand, with the other teasing her clit. Shepard moaned, not bothering to conceal her pleasure. The sounds, her face – Kaidan couldn't wait any longer. He slowly eased his cock into her tight, wet passage, making note of how it had become even tighter since she was brought back. _A change I don't mind at all,_ he mused.

Lyla gasped as Kaidan stretched and filled her, the tingle of her untrained biotic energy emanating from her skin. Blue energy surrounded her skin involuntarily, heightening her pleasure. She took in this sight of his toned chest as his fingers continued to circle her apex and his hips increased in their tempo. "Harder," she breathed. One of Kaidan's eyebrows arched up. Lyla rolled her eyes coyly. "Harder, _please."_

Kaidan growled in approval and began to fuck her with increasing force – just how she liked it. Shepard's nails dug into his back and he took her, filling her completely with each powerful, swift penetration. She closed her eyes as her walls became tighter and tighter on his cock, her climax nearer. Kaidan used his biotics to allow his fingers to vibrate, causing Shepard's eyes to shoot open as she tried to hold back her orgasm, not wanting the pleasure to end. Kaidan moved his fingers quickly, and coupled with his hard thrusts and biotic vibrations, Shepard couldn't hold on any longer. Her body trembled as she came, her wet walls crashing around Kaidan's erect member as he continued to take her throughout her climax. She called out his name freely and appreciatively as she finished. Her nub became sensitive, but Kaidan was relentless, still swirling her apex with his calloused digit. Lyla thrashed underneath him, her body sensitive from the overload of pleasure. Her involuntary movement from his touch sent him over the edge, and he spilled himself inside of her, calling her name.

Kaidan rolled off of Lyla and pulled her onto his chest, holding her tight against him. He pressed his full lips to her temple and moved them to her ear. "I never thought I would get to do that with you again…to be with you again." Kaidan squeezed Lyla warmly.

Shepard felt a drop of moisture fall on her skin; she wasn't sure if it was sweat or a tear. Lyla smiled slightly and returned Kaidan's firm embrace and gently nuzzled his cheek and jaw with her nose. "I'm here now," she replied, kissing his chin. She chuckled lightly and tilted her mouth to his ear. "We really do have to get off this ship so we can talk. I'll have Joker take us to the Citadel after we pick up the doctor we need from Omega."

Kaidan smiled and nodded, "sounds great." He yawned and stretched his arms, returning them to their place around Shepard's frame. "But first, I think a nap is in order."

Lyla hummed in agreement and settled comfortably onto Kaidan's body. The rise and fall of his warm bare chest put her at ease – she finally felt at home, and could truly rest for the first time since she awoke on that Cerberus station.

* * *

 **A/N: Phew! I hope you enjoyed reading that as much as I did writing it! Thank you to Moniquita2, DustieRhoades, tlcinbflo, Impslave, KirikaClyne, eurodox59, and Vorcha Girl for the reviews! They're super encouraging and I really, really appreciate that y'all took the time to write them! Hopefully now that school is out, I'll be able to update once a week, but with my other fics, it might be every two weeks. We'll see how it goes. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

Project Phoenix - Chapter 3

 **A/N: Apologies for the delay in updating! A combo of end of the school year, certification courses, being out of town, and writer's block really did a number on me in the month of June! I'm not sure I'm out of the woods on the writer's block part yet, but here's something at least! I wanted to get a chapter of this out for AU week on Tumblr - and did just barely! A special thanks for Ms Sticha and BioticsandHeadshots for your endless support and beta reading. Enjoy! :)**

* * *

"Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes," Anderson smiled warmly as Shepard entered his office. Lyla grinned equally as wide and approached him for an embrace, glad to see her mentor. But then, the Illusive Man's words from the other day haunted her yet again. _Why is everyone so sure it's me?_ Her face twisted with concerned confusion as she took a step backwards from her former captain. Her amethyst eyes darted back and forth between her mentor and her lover. Finally, the words escaped her.

"Why aren't either of you skeptical that it's me?" Lyla asked bluntly. "I was _dead_. The two of you knew me better than most. Aren't you the least bit worried that..." her voice wavered as she struggled to articulate the question that had been eating at her since she woke up on that station, "...that I'm not me?"

Anderson patted Shepard on the back gently and motioned to the couch. "How about you sit down, Lyla?"

Worried violet eyes traveled to Kaidan's warm face. His amber orbs met hers, his visage full of encouragement, and he nodded, took Shepard's hand, and sat beside her on the couch. Anderson settled comfortably in an adjacent chair, and continued the conversation on with a patient, understanding tone. "How much do you know?"

"Nothing," Shepard breathed out. She shrugged, sighed, and relented the one detail she knew. "Well, nothing other than that it was Cerberus who brought me back." She gulped nervously. "That's all I know. And that's what worries me." Lyla looked down at her feet and mumbled without raising her face. "What if they changed me?"

"They didn't," Kaidan's interrupted Lyla's rambling with a mostly confident voice laced with a slight waiver of doubt.

"We kept close tabs on the entire process," Anderson asserted.

"How?" Lyla's head snapped up and darted from one man to the next.

"Resources. I can't name them. Not now anyway," Anderson answered.

Kaidan brushed his fingers across Lyla's knuckles. "Anderson, could you give us some time? I think it might help Lyla if I explained things to her one-on-one."

"By all means," Anderson nodded and left the room.

Kaidan turned his body to face her and sighed. "I know I can't tell you everything now; if we stay here too long, Cerberus will get suspicious. But...is it ok if I start at the beginning?"

"Of course," Lyla breathed, the simple phrase filled with notes of confusion, curiosity, and concern.

* * *

Kaidan sat on the porch of his family's home on the orchard, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and exercise shorts. The ground and trees were covered in a thick layer of snow. Branches sagged and trees leaned under the white powder's weight. Kaidan's typically warm skin was frozen. He sat there, beyond the point of shivering, his body ice cold as his mind wandered mournfully. _Is this how she felt?_ A woman's voice called to him, but Kaidan's mind was too distant to make his body turn or acknowledge the woman asking for him. He wasn't even sure what she was saying. A second, deeper, masculine voice chimed in, trying to calm the feminine voice, which had grown loud and hysterical, and suddenly, the burn of warm skin clasped his frozen arm.

"Kaidan, you have to come inside now," his father asserted. "Do you have any idea what this is doing to your mother to see you like this?"

Kaidan felt empty. In any other circumstance, he would have felt guilty for worrying his mother and father. He simply nodded, slowly stood, and walked back into the house. His skin began to thaw as his mother wrapped him in a wool blanket and handed him a cup of hot tea.

"You can't keep doing this, Kaidan," his mother pleaded. Every morning since the blizzard came Kaidan has risen before the sun and headed to the icy outdoors. With no one awake to stop him from torturing himself, Kaidan came to the brink of freezing over multiple times. Each time, his parents found him and dragged him back indoors before any real damage could be done every time.

"Please Kaidan, just...talk to us," his mother begged yet again.

"I can't," he breathed between sips of tea.

"At least talk to a therapist then. A private one if you don't want to talk to an Alliance official PTSD therapist," his father requested.

"I...I'll think about it," Kaidan voiced icily, getting a sigh of relief from his parents. This was the farthest they had gotten yet with him. Kaidan refilled his cup with more tea and headed out of the kitchen. "I'll be in my room. I promise I'll leave the windows closed." His parents nodded. They didn't need to say they were here for him; he already knew it.

A dusting of soft translucent white condensation outlined Kaidan's bedroom window. Everything felt wrong _. I shouldn't be here. I should be on the Normandy. I should be serving the Alliance. I should be with her._ But she wasn't there anymore and would never be again. _I have to move on. But I can't. I should have died, not her._ He stared out the window and breathed in the minty steam from his tea, his eyes red, sore, and weary as usual. He didn't sleep much these days, and when he finally did, was always woken from the same nightmare:

A tall, slender, feminine form drifts just past Kaidan's escape pod. Her body shakes and struggles, barely more than arm's length away from the safety of the vessel. Her hose is struck by debris. She clenches it to keep the air in, but it's useless. The dream is silent, like the void, and Kaidan wakes up. He can't bear to see any more of the torture from his imagination.

A dual toned voice cleared his throat behind Kaidan and whispered his name. "We need to talk," the familiar turian stated as he sat on the bed next to Kaidan.

"Garrus," Kaidan's raspy voice managed, "why are you here?"

Garrus sighed and his mandibles twitched somewhat nervously. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to put it out there." He cleared his throat again and Kaidan turned his gaze to his friend. "Liara recovered Shepard's body."

Kaidan's heart pounded in his chest. His tired whiskey eyes suddenly widened, now dimly lit whereas before they had been dark. His brow raised and lowered into a crease. Any slight joy he had from her being found had diminished within a second – it was her _body_ that was found – she was still dead, of course. _I guess now we can finally properly lay her to rest._

But Garrus continued. "She handed Lyla over to Cerberus."

"What?" Kaidan exclaimed in an accusing tone, his heart skipping a beat. "Why the hell -" his hands clenched into fists and pounded down at his side into the mattress.

"Please, let me explain," Garrus interrupted. "They have a plan in motion to revive her."

 _Revive her? She was spaced. There's no way they could revive her from that._

Garrus noticed the concerned and puzzled look on Kaidan's face. "They're committing billions of credits in resources to this. Liara told me not to tell you - she was worried that you would try something rash. But...it's not my place to decide that. She was the love of your life after all, not mine."

Kaidan's fingers dug into his legs, his brows furrowed as he held back tears. He had a choice to make. _Do I recover Lyla's body from Cerberus and put her to rest...or do I let them bring her back? But...what if they change her? Or aren't able to bring her back? What if she isn't the same?_

The two sat in silence for quite some time before Garrus finally asked "so, what do you want to do about it?"

"We need to talk to Anderson."

* * *

Udina's flustered figure rushed into the office and interrupted Kaidan's story. Lyla felt horrible about how her death affected Kaidan, but she was thankful he was compelled to tell her. _There's strength in empathy – in comradery – in love._

"They needed some time, Donnel! Think about what she's been through for god sakes!" Anderson shouted at Udina, swiftly entering in on the counselor's coattails.

Kaidan smiled slightly at the interruption, and Lyla suspected this story was difficult for him to tell. His shift to a significantly more relaxed posture indicated that he had evidently needed the break from recanting that horrible time. Alenko greeted Udina in his typical, level-headed way. "Counselor," Kaidan said as he stood and shook Udina's hand.

"Alenko," Udina returned the gesture, glared at Shepard, and then back at Anderson. "What she's been through is precisely why I'm concerned about her presence here."

Kaidan's arm nervously scratched his neck, Anderson rubbed his palm against his forehead, but Lyla stood and acknowledged Udina's concern. "I get it. I would be skeptical, too, Udina."

The human counselor scoffed and muttered "of course _she_ would be the one to have the most sense in this situation." He looked Shepard directly in the eye. "What are your intentions now, Shepard?"

"To stop the Collector attacks on human colonies. That's it." Lyla stated plainly, her body language simple and assertive.

"Well then," Udina cleared his voice. "What about Cerberus?" he folded his arms across his chest.

Lyla matched his posture. "I won't do their dirty work, if that's what you're asking."

"Hmph, That answer suffices." Udina relaxed his arms and opened his omni-tool "The council has chosen to re-instate your Spectre status."

Lyla's bright red lips turned upwards. "Thank you, Counselor."

"We would, however, like to send another Spectre along with you." Udina motioned towards the door, indicating said Spectre's eminent arrival.

Shepard was appalled. Before she could voice her disdain for them keeping tabs on her, a familiar tall, slender, angular silhouette entered the room.

"Garrus?" Shepard knew it was him, but her tone was quizzical due to the situation. _He's a Spectre now?_

Her turian friend seemed to smile and facetiously quipped "unless you have a problem with having a turian spectre on board?"

Lyla grinned widely and embraced her friend. "Not at all, Spectre Vakarian."

* * *

 **A/N: As always, thank you for reading and for the reviews! I hope to update again within the next two weeks - my other two fics are long over due for chapters are well, so I'm going to try to do those first. :) And to my fellow Americans - have a wonderful 4th of July!**


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